Speak Out - The Wall

A few months ago somebody told me to try and think about what God looks like. It’s clearly impossible to do, God is far greater than we can imagine. I did try though, and I saw the image of a King sitting on His throne. In the time since then I’ve wondered where my place is in that picture. There are different images for different days. One day I’ll be singing and laughing before Him - rejoicing in His presence. Another time He’ll comfort me as it seems all that could go wrong did, and I need the love of my Heavenly Father. Perhaps I did something wrong, and I needed His forgiveness. Where do I go besides kneeling at His feet, begging Him for mercy and the chance to try again?

I hadn’t thought of these images in awhile, but today I had a new one. I felt I had taken a step backwards. Maybe two or three. I could still see my King and hear Him talking to me, but I kept interrupting, "No, not right now, Father. Tell me later, I’m busy doing these things first." Before I knew it, I couldn’t hear His voice any longer. I had taken one too many steps and had to turn my back to keep on my path. I finally realized this isn’t what I want. I wasn’t created for this - I need my King. I turned around to run back to the Father, but something stood in my way. There was a high wall. It was messy and made in a hurry, but there was no getting around it or over it. I reached for it. I hit it. I kicked it. I pounded Nothing came lose. There was no give. I yelled to the King, "Father, I’m trying to come back. As soon as I get this wall down I’ll be back!" After days of trying, I sat down in defeat. Each stone had a word scribbled on it. Unforgiveness. Pride. Hate. Disobedience. Where had these stones come from? I realized these stones were my sin. Instead of confessing my sins to the Lord and asking for forgiveness, I had let them pile up... I began to weep for the time I had lost. The opportunities I had passed by. "Father," I cried, "Father, please help me! Please forgive me!" Suddenly, the stones began to disappear. They were being thrown far away - into the farthest ocean. As the wall was torn down, I saw His Son, Jesus on the other side. Pulling the stones off. He was crying with me, feeling my pain. "Why had He sent His Son to do this? Why must He bear the weight of my sins?" As I was thinking these things the last of the stones fell away, and Jesus came to me. He picked me up and carried me to the King. He set me down before the throne to talk with my Father. I hung my head in shame and let the tears run down my face. "Father...I’m so sorry...so sorry..." I felt a hand begin to wipe the tears away. I glanced up and saw the Father, with tears and a gentle smile on His own face. "My daughter," He whispered, "All has been forgiven."

by Stephanie Kantonen
originally posted October 2008